Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine’s Day Loves!

I hope this day treats you well and YOU treat yourself well.

This year is the first year that I have been excited to be SINGLE on Valentines Day (yes, you read that correctly). I’ve been single going on 2 months now & I’m finally taking some time to get to know the real, true, raw Shandra. It’s honestly empowering to take some time to be alone! To date yourself, treat yourself, spend time with yourself (alone) and learn who you truly are. That way when the time is right, you can know your worth, know what you want to share with someone and know what you have to offer in a relationship. I’ve gained some real self confidence over these last couple of months. I am digging deep and facing what I used to refer to as fears. Yes, I used to be afraid (a legitimate fear) of being alone. The thought of it was just terrifying to me. I feel this led me to a lot of unhealthy relationships because I would look past red flags and hold on when I knew it was time to let go. All the while knowing dang well that what I was doing was very unhealthy and not good for anyone (especially myself).

I pushed through the uncomfortableness of not having someone and you know what…. after a month, it didn’t hurt anymore! The sting started to go away! I was no longer searching for someone to be with, to share my life with. Now don’t get me wrong, wanting to share your life with someone is ok and very very normal but going about it in the right way is important. Getting to know who you are and what you even really truly want is important. Giving yourself the time to get to know how precious you are as a person and REALLY taking time to love yourself. Not just say you love yourself or think you do, but really deep down inside love who you are as a person and the qualities that make up the unique being that you are. That is when life truly begins. That is when life starts to make a little bit more sense and that is when you are truly going to be ready to open yourself up to being loved by someone else. But more than that, this is when you are going to be READY for someone else to come into your life and love you. We jump into relationships thinking we are ready but just like anything else, we need to prepare to be loved. We need to be ready to believe someone when they tell us we are beautiful, we need to be ready to open ourselves up and be vulnerable, we need to be ready for the beauty that is connecting with someone on another level, BUT we are never going to be ready for all of this without focusing on ourselves FIRST.

I had people tell me for years that I just need to let it happen and stop searching out what I thought I needed. I believed them and knew deep down inside what they were saying was true but I would keep meeting people and pushing these thoughts aside. I kept thinking I could help people and be their support but who was being mine? It wasn’t until about 2 months ago that I said, “No More!” This is my time to focus on ME and it has been the best thing that I have ever done for myself. I can say at 32 years of age that I have never been happier! I have never appreciated myself the way that I do now, I have never noticed the qualities that I love about myself and I realized that I have never truly loved myself until now.

So, this Valentine’s Day I hope you can see that there is so much love that can be had even when you are alone or as I like to say, on your journey of self discovery (alone just sounds so harsh). A lot of beauty can come from discovering yourself and I hope we can eventually help to bring down the stigma that being alone isn't ok. Although sharing in your life with someone can and will be a beautiful event all in it's self, the discovery of YOU can lead you to more happiness than you ever thought possible. I hope that this day brings you hope and the possibility of new beginnings.

XOXO

Shandra

Finding your voice after the silence

This is a topic that is very near and dear to my heart. One that I have experienced myself and have done a lot of research on so I could better understand how I could have been so brain washed and belittled for so long and no longer had a voice to defend myself. The topic I'm referring to is emotional abuse. It's a topic that many don't talk about and it's a topic that many can't see when they are experiencing it themselves (at least not right away).

If you would have told me 6 years ago that my partner was abusing me I would have come up with every excuse in the book as to why they were doing what they was doing. They're doing it because they love me, They are doing it because they want to raise the children up right, they are doing it because they are strict in their ways, they are doing it because deep down inside it's coming from a caring place. These are just a few of the reason's I told people but most of all...these were the reasons I told myself every single day just to get by. To believe that the person I was with wouldn't hurt us on purpose, it had to be coming from a place of good, right? WRONG!

I had the opportunity to talk with a young woman that was telling me a little bit about her current relationship she was in. I immediately saw myself in her. The naïve, young, lost girl I was nearly 6 years ago. She had no idea what she was explaining to me was abuse. She just thought it was what you go through in a relationship. This very interaction led me to writing this post. You see, when you have been emotionally abused even years later you can still feel that you're doing something wrong by opening up and talking about it. Emotional abuse is tricky and manipulative. It doesn't happen in a way where it's easy to detect. The abuser is very smart about the way they go about it. They make you feel loved, needed, special at first. All the while they are taking away, little by little who you are. You don't see it right away and you try, OH YOU TRY SO HARD TO MAKE THEM HAPPY. But nothing is ever good enough. Nothing you do will ever be good enough because they don't want you to be strong, they don't want you to have confidence, they don't want you to have a voice or realize your potential because if you do...they lose all control. That is the big key factor here, CONTROL. They will take it away from you little by little until one day you are so sick with fear every time you know they are going to come home that you feel like you are having a heart attack. You are sick with fear that the children are going to say the wrong thing or talk during dinner when they aren't supposed to, you are sick with fear that you are going to cook an amazing dinner, set the table and have everything ready for when they get home, but they aren't going to care. They are going to go straight to playing video games and play them until they are ready to come to the table. They do this because they have worked all day and deserve this time (so they tell you). All the while you sit at the table with your children, while dinner get's cold (trying to keep the quiet so they don't get put to bed without food and you have to sneak some into them later that night) and you wait....feeling like nothing you do matters. Feeling like you aren't seen or cared about BUT you find yourself apologizing TO THEM for maybe the meal not being what they wanted and maybe that's why they didn't come in and give you a kiss or are choosing video games over you and your children. But by this point you have lost your voice and you can't find the strength to ask them to come to the table....so you just wait. You wait with a sick feeling in your stomach, you wait with pain in your chest, you wait with sadness in your heart because nothing you do will ever be good enough.

This is just a piece of my story. I was the victim of emotional for about four years. I left this person four times before I finally left them for good. This is actually more common than you know. The average woman will leave her abuser seven times before they leave them for good. Many people that look in from the outside can't imagine why the person would stay, they can't imagine why they wouldn't just walk away from it all but when you are in it, when you are the victim and you are trying to save your family. When you are trying to hold everything together without setting off a ticking time bomb...it's not so easy. You are scared, by this point you rely on this person (they have become "your person"), even through the pain and sadness you still made the vows and commitment to walk through life with this person. So you try and you try and you try. You apologize every day for more things than you can imagine and you hide evidence that your family had visited because if they see this, they won't talk to you for weeks because one of the most common signs of emotional abuse is for them to isolate you. Take you away from friends, loved ones and family. This helps them to keep all the control. This makes it possible to keep you exactly where they want you. We started out with two vehicles and as time went on we went down to one, we both used this vehicle at first and then I started to need to have reasons to use the car. If these reasons weren't what they saw fit, I wasn't able to have the vehicle that day. Isolate...isolate....isolate. Watch for these signs, they are very good at having reasons for everything they do and a lot of the times they will make you feel that they are doing it out of love or for your own safety. They are not!

Next month it will be 5 years since the day I left. It is a date I will never forget. It is a day I will never forget. I remember every single detail of that day. Everything that was said, every tear that was shed, every fear that was felt. That day was the best decision I could have ever made and to say it was hard would be an understatement. Even though I knew by now that what was going on inside the four walls of our home was not ok...it still hurt and it still took a lot of strength. I will never forget the words that he yelled at me that day as I was leaving (the words that my daughter heard him say to me), the words that haunted me for years but were also the words that gave me the drive to do what I'm doing today with my life. You see, they need to make sure they beat you down, take away your confidence (not that I had any at this point any way) and make you feel like you are nothing without them. At the hope that you will come back to them. The words that still drive me today to be the strongest, kindest, independent and most humble person I can be are the words they threw at me, full of hate and anger to get me to stay under their roof, under their power (control).

I now want to talk to the victims out there of emotional abuse. I know your pain. I know how scared you are. I can feel it all over again writing this post. But you have what it takes, you are strong and you can do anything you want in this life. You don't need someone in your life that's bringing you down, that's emotionally hurting you and maybe even your children. I know it doesn't feel like it but you have the strength to leave TODAY if you want to. It may seem like you can't, it may seem right now like you do need this person to survive but you don't. When I left, I had been a stay at home mom for 4 years. I didn't have recent work history. I didn't even have the confidence to think I could get a job. I had three children at the time and I was SO SCARED! But with the support of my family and friends I was able to leave a very poisonous relationship that was slowly killing me. I turned my whole life around in 8 months. I got a full time job, I started renting an apartment for me and my children and I started day by day seeing just who Shandra was and what she was capable of and I tell you this today because if I could do it, YOU CAN TOO. I believe in you. I know you have the strength to move mountains if you want to and you can become whole again. Find yourself again and grow back into that confident person you were before. I'm a big believer that your life experiences do not have to define you. But choosing what you do with them after is where the true magic happens. That is why I'm reaching out today to share a part of my story. In hopes that I can help just one person see that you don't have to live in fear any more. That you are worth so much more and YOU CAN DO IT.

XOXO

Shandra

 

Life as a Single Parent....

"I don't know how you do it?" "Wow, doing that all by yourself. That's hard work." "Three children, work AND school." These are just some of the thing I hear when I tell people about my life as a single parent. It's almost like they can't wrap their head around the fact that I do all this alone AND I'm still a happy, functioning person. For all of you that are single parent's or know someone that is...we do it because that's our life. Not doing whatever it takes to keep a smile on our children's faces is simply not an option. 

We smile, we laugh, we kiss boo boo's, mend broken hearts, listen to our children for hours, snuggle at night when they just need mommy...BUT the truth is, it hurts sometimes. It's sad, it's lonely and it's overwhelming. We don't show these sides to our children, we keep smiling and taking them to activities. We fight through the pain that is almost unbearable on certain days. We act like it doesn't bother us when we see couples taking turns bringing and picking up their children (seems like such a small thing but man oh man that would help out so much). We laugh so we don't cry and we tell our children over and over every day that everything is going to be all right, even when we feel like we don't know if we believe this ourselves for our own life.

Now don't get me wrong. I have days where I feel like super mom. Nothing can stop me, I don't need anyone, I have got this whole single parenting thing under control. But the reality is we all have different masks that we put on. Fake smiles so people don't know we are hurting inside. Tough skin so we don't let our weaknesses leak out into plain sight. The whole "Get up. Dress up, Show up and never Give Up" mentality. It's all wonderful and for most days it works. But I'm here to show a little bit more of that raw side of single parenting. The moments when you literally have a minute to yourself so you fall to the floor, cradle your head in your hands and just let the tears stream from your eyes that you have been pushing back for days, weeks, months.  

It's ok to not always be on top of your game. It's ok to lose your patience. It's ok to forget an appointment or lose paperwork that was supposed to be turned in that day! We are not here to be PERFECT. There is no such thing as perfection. The sooner we realize this and see ourselves as perfectly imperfect, is the moment some of that unneeded pressure that we put on ourselves will be lifted. It's ok to need to reach out to family or friends. It's ok to show that you're human and need help from time to time. I am telling you this is all ok because I struggle with this myself. However, I'm trying to push myself to be more vulnerable and open to the idea that we all have bad days, we all struggle and we all need help from time to time. There is absolutely no shame in any of this. If anything, reaching out when you need it most is showing just how strong you really are. 

I felt prompted today to write this post because I am struggling. I am having a rough week, where I feel very alone, overwhelmed and just down right sad. I feel we often post these messages of how great we are doing, how amazing our life is and how happy we are BUT where are the more real, raw and vulnerable posts?! We all have these days, weeks, months were we just don't feel like we are doing the best that we can. We are struggling to put on that "fake smile, everything's great" mask and our outer "tough skin" is cracking and falling away. I wanted to show you that all of that is OK. There's nothing wrong with you because you feel depleted, over worked, exhausted and sad. You are human and with all the responsibilities that come with life and being a parent, this is to be expected.

So if you are having a hard time right now, if life isn't going the way that you had pictured, if you feel like you can't fake one more smile or make it through one more day without crying. You are not alone. You are not weak. There is nothing wrong with you. You are pushing, giving, stretching your time to anyone and anything you have committed yourself to. You should be so PROUD of yourself. Even though you don't look in the mirror right now and think "Wow, I'm a Warrior", you will. Give yourself the time you need to recharge, reach out to friends and loved ones, open that book that will give you strength, call that friend, say that prayer that has been so hard to get out and most importantly, be gentle with yourself. You are doing the best that you can and whether you can see it right now or not, that is ENOUGH. You are enough and you are amazing! The work of a single parent is hard. The work of any parent is hard. But remember every day that you are striving to live your best life, you are work that job, you are going to that class, you are losing those hours of sleep because YOU ARE AN AMAZING PARENT. You will do whatever it takes to give that lifestyle that you work so hard for to your children. That right there, is enough.

So today, give yourself a hug, pat yourself on the back, look yourself in the mirror and see the true hero that you are because the work that you are doing every single day is work of heroes. That's how your children look at you and that's how you should be looking at yourself. Those bad days will come but just keep pushing. We all have a plan mapped out for us. We just need to keep moving forward and pressing through these hard times to get to that place we have been fighting for all along.

XOXO

Shandra

The faces of parenting do not look the same every day and that's OK!

Monday Blues?!

If you change nothing...Nothing will change

Do you ever have days when you just don't feel like "adulting" but of course you do it any way? Then the more you get into the day you realize you're not going to be able to come out of this slump without some much needed self care. That was my day today! I find that this will happen on Mondays unless I take some time on Sunday to prepare for the week. Well guess what...I didn't do that last night and I am paying for it today. Thank goodness I know myself and I have a self care plan down for days like today.

I went to my room when I got home from work, tidied up a bit, lit a candle, put on my salt lamps, played music low and began to read my self development books. YES...that is all needed for me to start feeling grounded again and to find my, as I like to call it "happy place". Within 30 minutes I was feeling much better and calmer. I was able to give more to my children and feel at peace inside.

Let's face it, as much as we try to plan out our lives with lists to check off, calendars to fill and planners that we keep in every corner of our homes. Life happens and we get caught off guard. We thought we had it all together and we didn't see it coming...sound familiar?!

I have learned in life that's it's always a good idea to have a back up plan or in today's case a SELF CARE PLAN. What calms you down, brings you peace and brings you back to YOURSELF?! Take the time to get to know yourself. Find those things in your life that bring you peace and then make a list. This will be your Self Care Plan. On days when you are ready to wave your white flag and give up, pull out this list and re-center yourself. There is nothing wrong with taking a little time for YOU. After all, how are you supposed to be your best self for others if you can't even be it for yourself?

Today I needed to find time for myself because if I didn't I know the rest of my week would have just continued to go down hill as every day passed that I didn't focus on my self care. I know as mothers, sisters, sons, daughters, employees, we often feel selfish if we stop and focus on ourselves because we live in a world that focuses so much on giving yourself to others constantly. But, you need to remember that if you aren't filling your own cup, how are you supposed to be able to give to others?! Think about this the next time you are feeling burnt out, tired, exhausted, sad, depleted & down.

Make your list today & remember to pull from it when you need to. If you need it every day, then pull from it every single day and don't fell bad about it. There is no shame in caring for yourself. It's so important & you will start to see such a difference in your life when you start to make your emotional and mental health a priority.

We are all juggling so much and we put so much pressure on ourselves. Make sure that you also take a step back and realize when that pressure is becoming to be a little too much. You will thank yourself, I promise you that. Love yourself enough to know when life is running you, instead of you running your life.

Today I let Monday get to me but not for long. I know myself well and I listened when I started to realize something wasn't right. Listen to yourself, your body and your mind are always sending you signs/messages but if you don't learn to recognize them and listen to them, you can end like me....with some major Monday Blues!!!

XOXO

Shandra

Take what you learn and make a difference with it!

"Take what you learn and make a difference with it."

We are all here to live, mess up (over & over) and learn. We're going to stumble and we're going to fall. Sometimes we're even going to take a little while to get back up, but when we do...there is so much power in that very step to keep moving forward. But the true magic happens in what we decide to do with those trips, slips. stumbles and falls.

About five years ago I found myself in a place where I was going to have to decide how I was going to take probably one of the biggest falls in my life and make a difference from it. I was not going to let it define me or stop me from being and becoming the person I always knew I was and could be.

However, at this point in my life I had been abused to the point where I didn't have a voice any more. I didn't really know who I was and I had not one ounce of self confidence left. I was broken. Literally, broken.

I had taken all the steps in my life to where I thought I was going to be happy, established and content. But, that wasn't the case. We don't always understand why we face certain trials and tribulations in our lives. I don't feel it's our place to know BUT I can tell you that you can make something beautiful out of something sad and heartbreaking.

I decided that I wasn't going to sit around and let these events decide who I was going to be as a person. I wasn't going to let the hurtful words of another define ME! I was the only person with that power. I was the only person that was capable of turning my life around, so I did. Not only did I get a full time job, a place for my little family to live and a new found self confidence but in all the hurt, pain, sorrow, I found out how strong I really was. I learned so much about myself in the process and wanted to be able to help others that had gone through what I had faced in my life. I felt that if I could make it through, get away and learn to love myself again. I wanted to help others to see that they could too. That's why I decided to get my master's in Social Work and become a Mental Health Counselor. I am currently on my way to this dream and so incredibly proud of where I am as I continue to better my life. I never thought that I would get to a place were I was proud of myself, let alone be going to college for my master's.

So my message to you is....

You are Amazing. You are Strong. You are Fierce. You are a Warrior! You are capable of things beyond your wildest dreams. You just have to dig deep inside yourself and keep moving forward. Find your purpose amongst the sorrow and push through the pain when you feel like giving up. It's not the end and you can start over when, and as many times as you want to. You are not defined by these bumps in the road. You are being formed into the beautiful person you are today and even though they are hard to understand at the moment, they are helping you. They are going to show you more about yourself than you could even imagine. Just keep holding on. I promise you that these moments will pass and you will make beautiful works of art from them. Works of art that will touch others hearts and lift them up. Be proud of yourself and the difference you are making in the world.

My questions for you is....

How are you going to make a difference from the lessons you've learned in your life?

Because you can and you will!

XOXO

Shandra

Does "The One" Really Exist???

Have you found your "one"?   Does "the one" really exist?

Let me tell you my thoughts on "the one". I have been that girl (woman), looking for the one person that was going to come along and complete me. The one person that was going to make my life easier, more enjoyable. The one that was going to make me the happiest woman in the world just because they were in my life. Have you been here? Have you gotten lost in thinking that you needed that special person in your life to bring meaning to your world? I sure have....

We are all programed to want a partner, someone to share in life with. There's nothing wrong with that and it is a very wonderful thing to have this. But, I feel we get too caught up in the very idea that we NEED someone else in our life to be happy and complete.

I have learned over the years and am still learning that when we date or are in relationships we lose ourselves. We get so caught up in the "honeymoon stage" and in the "puppy dog love" that we actually lose sight of reality at times. Don't get me wrong, this is a very wonderful and needed part of relationships but there comes a point where we let too much of ourselves become reliant on this person and we even hand over our very own happiness and put it right in their hands. When we do this, we are handing over our power. We are giving ourselves completely to this person and giving them the power to break us or take away our happiness instantly.

This is where we need to be careful. This is where we need to realize..."The One", the person that can bring us the most happiness and let us see and be our greatest self is US. It's within ourselves and in order to be our best self, we need to be firm in who we are and we need to fully love who we are as a person. When this happens we are strong, we are confident and we are able to make better decisions for what is going to bring us that happiness we all want in our lives. When we truly know ourselves and what we want, that makes the process of dating and finding that person you want to walk through life with much easier. I'm not saying that it will all be easy (the process) but I'm saying it will be much easier to know what you want and much easier to walk away from what you don't want.

I have struggled with worrying about the others person's feelings more than focusing on my own when in relationships but a good friend said something to me the other night and it truly helped me to realize that it's ok to think about myself sometimes, it's actually very healthy and shows great self respect when you look at the relationship you are in, see that it's not serving you and you walk away from it. That is when you know you are making great progress, you are starting to become more firm in who you are as a person and what you'll accept in your life.

My friend said to me, " I think sometimes you have to be a little selfish to get to your happiness. Not in a way that is awful to others but in a way that helps you move through whatever doesn't fit. It's ok to say no I don't want this."

I love the last line that she wrote to me, "It's ok to say no I don't want this". I feel we often hold onto relationships longer than we should because we are afraid of hurting the other person or we are afraid that once we do let go...we are alone. This last line is so important to remember because if you are feeling unhappy or lonely when the person is sitting right next to you, why do you want to keep holding onto to that? It's not fair to either one of you. I have learned over time that the one thing that will never lie to you is your gut. Follow those feelings and listen to those promptings. They are there because you know yourself and you know what feels right to you.

Although the process of dating and relationships can be daunting at times, I promise you if you take the time to see that YOU are "the one" that has the power to bring you the greatest happiness and joy you've ever experienced to your life. You will then see that you don't "need" someone in your life, it would just be nice to have someone there to enjoy your already happy life with.

The power is within yourself. Take the time to get to know YOU. Figure out what brings you joy and what makes your heart happy. If you do this FIRST, the rest of the process will be a lot more enjoyable. No one said that dating would be easy and that meeting that person that you connect with would be simple. But, if you walk into it already knowing who you are and what you will allow in your life...you'll find that you won't let your happiness fall into someone else's hands so easily and you will learn in time, who you are willing to share that with.

You are beautiful, you are strong and you deserve the best! Don't ever forget this, especially when you are opening your heart up to someone and showing them pieces of who you are. Learn to love yourself and then that beauty and confidence will shine through. The power is within YOU. You have to take the time to find that and grow within that space. Once you do that, you will always hold the power of bringing that great happiness into your life. THEN, you can open up and let someone be a part of that space you have already grown and established.

XOXO

Shandra

Joy After Heart Ache

When I made up my mind to start this blog I had to decide if I was ready to share my story with the world, to open up my heart and share the very thing that made me who I am today.

I feel like we live in a world where sharing your feelings and opening up about serious, uncomfortable topics is almost cringed upon. But I know in the many seasons I have gone through in my life, I would have loved a blog where someone was opening up about the hard times, the things that leave us feeling torn and broken, the very things that people feel should be hidden. But how are we able to help others if we keep our stories hidden? How are we going to relate to others and touch others lives if we all keep who we are locked up inside.

I've experienced many things in my 32 years of life. Some very hard experiences but also some very beautiful ones. When I faced some of the hard times, I lost myself for a while. I lost my voice, my self confidence, it's almost as if I forgot who I was. But, something I vowed to myself after I made my way through and out of these hard times is that I would make something beautiful from it. That's why I'm here today writing to YOU.

I feel we are all on our own time lines, working towards our ultimate goal....TO BE HAPPY. I wanted to create this blog to share with you some of the ways that I have been able to bring happiness back into my life after I experienced darkness for so long.

My hope is that this blog can touch people's lives and bring hope to someone that may be going through or facing some of the same things I have or currently am facing. My goal is to create a community of strong, amazing, supportive WARRIORS that not only learn that it is ok to share their own stories but become stronger because of it. We are all unique and beautiful, trying our hardest to get through this crazy thing we call life. It's not easy and sometimes it's not even enjoyable but I promise you that it can be and you can find great joy again after heart ache.

I'm so happy you are here! Let's go along this journey together.

XOXO

Shandra